The Empathic Civilization

Posted once again since it's such a great video. I hope you can take the time to watch and then share.

Part 4: Living Locally and Globally: The Empathic Civilization

This video gives an extraordinary explanation of the evolution of community. It helps explain how the world may save part of itself. I look at the kids under 20 years--I find that they have a very different attitude about people and the world than those just ahead of them, and different from my generation which was all about personal political and emotional growth. I feel some hope talking to them...
Rifkin theory of evolving empathy

To a friend far away

I am not sure that I had the energy to host you, as I am barely 4 weeks from my surgery. I should have gone out to the North Shore alone and laid on the couch or in the sun building my strength back up. Instead, I tried to host someone who I had seen twice in many years, and allowed what was probably the wrong timing for her to see a region still struggling with the overwhelming catastrophe that it has yet to recover from. My home is still broken, and I guess I see now that I am also a bit broken still.

Yes, it is my home; I hold that dearly as I lost everything I owned in the federal flood and lost friends and neighbors through death, madness and self imposed exile from this place, so I can only accept that I am here because I am meant to be here.
My home because it occurred to me only very, very recently that the only family that I have known from childhood (besides my never-far-from-me Buckeye sister and her lovely boy) is the Southern side of my family, since the rest of my paternal Northern family is scattered and unknown to me since puberty or thereabouts and cares nothing about that loss. That Southern family gave me a place that I have always loved dearly and somehow felt ingrained in, even though I actually spent formative years in Ohio. I love Ohio and always enjoy the visit back, but it is a visit every time, rather than a future home.

I am angry with anyone who comes to see this sad yet hopeful place and misses it. Angry that people come here and talk about spiritual things but miss the air filled with fresh mourning.
It occurs to me that I have always mourned well; I think of many, many friends who have died and they often cross my path in regular daytime, not just at midnight of low ebbs.
Robin Haddad, Chip, Jacob, Nancy, my mother's dear Bill Wall, amazing Helen, of course, Rick-Roger always-so many more crowd my waking hours visiting with me, and I will say their name and think that's all they want, for someone to remember.
Well, that's also New Orleans special gift to America; that it remembers. It remembers people, old ways, pain, fun, whatever has passed and thankfully this old place has the space and grace to do that, I say.

So my anger at your not being present (because that's what it was as far as I could see, you had really never left Denver at all) not appreciating the pain it still causes me-and therefore my friends and family and maybe even those dead friends of mine-to see people come and not know what was taken from us and not to get ANGRY on our behalf when you are here. Not to be able to remember because how can you remember if you weren't here?
Angry because we here know really now how special this land is and you came and spent a lot of your time at a computer screen or on a mobile phone while I wanted to show you a piece of its special-ness, something I tried to do even with less energy available than I have operated with in my entire life.

And anger is only one piece of it; the other piece is how my friends react to seeing my own fragility that comes from living in a half world.
Yes, I am embarrassed about STILL being in a F.E.M.A. trailer- did you not pick up on that?
but I cannot dwell in shame-I guess literally and figuratively. I must see the logic in finding the right structure to build and to build it when it is right and not when speculation drives the price so high that I laugh when I hear how much rent, or home construction is post levee break.
So, a kind word on my trailer life would have been well received and might have buoyed my spirits for a few more months.

And finally, maybe I realize I cannot offer much support to others outside of this tragic, once-in-a-generation situation right now and old friends need to know why that is and do something along the lines of what my young friend Lydia did when she visited (this place she will probably call home again); She said something I took to be dismissive, I rebuked her sharply, verbally and turned away. There was uncomfortable, tense quiet for a few moments and then an arm around my neck and her "Didn't mean it, still love you" hippie girl answer, and the frankness and openness to change what I needed her to change meant she was here for the right reasons and adding to our healing rather than interfering with it.

Is this a ridiculous letter? It is to those who live in an un-Reconstructing world, but for those of us suffering because of pain/loss to us (and others) and to this beautiful place or with a fight still in front of us, it is not.
I hope you are still the person who was present enough to let your mother leave this world the way you did, because we need that sense of calm and awareness (presence) now more than ever.
If, instead the world you live in (in America) is so consuming and fascinating or painful for you to ever leave it, then I say, good luck to you (really) and thanks for the friendship many years ago and let me focus on my work here without interruption until it is done.
And maybe then I'll look you up in your place and be there for you again.



Dar

Empathy in Modern Life

I have been thinking a lot about empathy lately and I think I can pin down a few reasons why:

Had gallbladder surgery at the beginning of month and had lots of concern from a wide selection of people (and little concern from some whom I expected to rely on),
My little friendly dog has been totally freaked out with bad weather lately and has been trying to live with,
A young friend told me she had little sympathy for poor people,
Had a talk with a fellow non-profit person who was very upset by a email (from a partner on a project) that seemed harsh and full of anger to her,
Have been talking to a lot of fellow activists in our city who are struggling with exhaustion, failure and...success,
Have been dealing often with a large, old world bureaucracy that seems more and more disintersted in helping anyone within their universe,
My organization has embarked on a many year research project to measure trust in public markets,
Hung out with some nice out of towners who are trying to come and understand,

For all of these reasons and more, I looked it up:

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Empathy (from the Greek εμπάθεια, transliterated as empatheia, meaning "physical affection, partiality") is commonly defined as one's ability to recognize, perceive and feel directly the emotion of another. Since the states of mind, beliefs, and desires of others are intertwined with their emotions, one with empathy for another may often be able to more effectively define another's mode of thought and mood. Empathy is often characterized as the ability to "put oneself into another's shoes", or to in some way experience the outlook or emotions of another being within oneself, a sort of emotional resonance.

Empathy is also a concept recognized as "reading" another person, completely translating each movement into understandable conversation.

In the current situation in New Orleans, empathy is seemingly at an all time high, and also sorely missing from the decision making. At times, the connections between people are deep, beautiful and at other times, the gulf between us is almost a physical space to me.

How can one live in an crowded, urban world-cheek to jowl with others-and be so callous, so dismissive of other lives, other problems? Especially in our little city which will struggle for at least the next decade with painful, anxious, unsure times?

I think it boils down to that we take what we can, and then disconnect to save our souls, brains and family circles. The problem comes when we stay disconnected for too long and the solitary emotional life is easier than bridging to others. That brings walls (physical and figurative), active prejudices that turn into "isms", unchecked anger at anyone who is separate from our personal realities. What is also at play is living in modern societies that allow, maybe even encourage physical and emotional separations from others and labels them as "Success".

I was thinking about road rage as well (I suffer from it at times), and it occured to me that road rage was a direct result of one of three things:

1. One's own lack of preparation around time management (running late, so the need increases to get somewhere in an unrealistic amount of time-my main reason for it),
2. A belief that you know more about driving a car than the driver that angers you, even though you have no idea of what is happening over there.
3. (This is the one that occurred to me this week): Lack of trust in others.

Lack of trust. Isn't this the real problem when we see problems in the modern world? We want to not be attached to people we don't know (that we don't look like or sound like because we don't understand them) and we are not willing to trust that we can rely on them.

I think we engage in empathy more in the lagalou world, and Peter Berg's brilliant original essay talked about and painted the concept without using the word.
Interestingly, when I met Peter and Judy Goldhaft, Peter asked me a tough question within our lunch conversation. I fumbled for an answer for far too long throwing lots of words out, trying to just talk through the answer without considering...
He listened quietly and then said, "So, what you want me to understand is..." and described my original unsaid point perfectly.
I looked at him and then at Judy and she said in response to the look on my face," Yes, he does that often. Amazing huh?"

I felt strengthened by what he had done (and what Judy had waited for him to do) at that moment, and have thought often about it since. I think of Peter and Judy and thank them silently for applying it to me and letting me see it in practice. Lagalou cannot have too much empathy, ever.